In Restless Dreams I Walked Alone
by ThereIsNoPlan
Summary: Seeing him again, after all this time, took a harder toll on her than she expected. Post TNOTD


**Just a short fic that stemmed from my feelings about Matt leaving at Christmas.**

**Title from Simon and Garfunkel's The Sound of Silence**

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_**in restless dreams i walked alone**_

She drops to her knees the moment she is back, suddenly unable to hold her own weight for a minute longer. Seeing him again, after all this time, took a harder toll on her than she expected. To have him standing right there, mere inches from her, so close that if she reached out she could touch him, _feel _him again- if only she weren't dead- it was difficult. And she had tried to ease the pain that tore at her, that threatened to claw its way up and engulf her entirely. She made quips about his uselessness and tried to laugh off the fact that she was dead when Clara looked to her for answers.

But if she is honest, it didn't help. She knew the reason that he never contacted her was because he doesn't like endings- and something about that gave her hope. Hope that he hadn't given up on her, that he was trying to find a way to save her, _something_. The fact that he never told her goodbye meant that he was still out there mourning her, while she stayed in the core of the largest Library in the universe and mourned the loss of him in turn.

So when the impossible happened and he touched her, his fingers firmly curled around her wrist and his eyes looking right into hers with a sadness that spoke of years of mourning, she decided right then to put an end to it. When she asked for a goodbye, it wasn't only for her, but for him. He needed to let her go, needed to move on because he has _centuries _ahead of him and not a second more needs to be spent grueling over his dead wife.

A goodbye meant giving up on the hope that she would ever be saved, it meant giving up _him_, but in return it would hopefully give him a life where she wasn't always in the back of his mind. It would ease the guilt she knows he has and allow him to live fully and love again. Because after all, that is what love is about, isn't it? Sacrificing so the other can be happy.

So the moment she's back in the Library and her knees hit the hard ground, she allows herself to finally grieve as a widowed woman would. For a moment she only sits there, the wetness from the grass seeping through her trousers and the damp mist clinging to her skin as everything begins to set in and the situation starts to feel more and more real, her hearts growing heavier with every second.

It starts as a single tear rolling down her cheek, then a choked sob which turns into an anguished cry that can only be described as profound misery as the tears begin to fall in earnest. Squeezing her eyes shut, she wraps her arms around herself as she cries, as if trying to give herself some form of comfort- an impossible task. The only thing that comforts her is that, unlike a typical day in the Library with sunshine and warm breezes, the sky is dark with storm clouds that look like they could drop out at any second, accompanied by a stillness in the air that holds a bitter chill, as if the weather is mourning with her. And misery really does love company.

She sits there until there are no more tears left to shed, her cries having turned into softer, shallow, breathy sobs. It leaves her feeling empty and aching, a pain that seems to throb through every inch of her body. A gentle touch to her shoulder startles her into opening her eyes and she looks up to see Charlotte kneeling in front of her, sadness and understanding in her eyes.

When Charlotte moves forward and wraps her small arms around her neck, River almost loses it again, wrapping her arms around the girl in return and clinging to her as if she is her only life line. Nothing needs to be said, just that simple hug is enough to lighten River's sadness ever so slightly because yes, her husband is _gone_, but that doesn't mean she is alone

.

"Joshua and Ella have been worried about you," Charlotte says softly as she pulls back.

No. She is definitely not alone. She has Charlotte. And Joshua and Ella- two children that were here upon her arrival but are now solely and completely _hers_. Over time they have changed to look more like her- and the Doctor. Ella's once ginger curls have turned blonde and Joshua's eyes now mirror that of her husband's. When she looks at them now, she can _see_ herself and the Doctor in them, as if they created the children together.

She likes to think of them as a gift she was given by this form of afterlife she is living. Having children with the Doctor had never been an option, though they tried. Not long after Manhattan, the Doctor came to her with the idea of children, a light in his eyes that she couldn't refuse, disregarding all of the reasons why they shouldn't. Three times they tried, three times it began with an incomparable giddiness as they stared at the TARDIS scanner that read _positive_, and three times it ended within the first three months, leaving nothing but pain in its wake.

So now, as she walks hand in hand with Charlotte into the house, she smiles at the sound of small feet pounding down the stairs as they rush to greet her. As she hugs them both to her, she fleetingly thinks that in a way, it was the Doctor that gave them to her after all. And she couldn't be more grateful, though she wishes for nothing more than for him to be here with her to see them. Their children. He would love them every bit as much as she does, she knows.

As Joshua and Ella both grab her hands, she pushes away all other thoughts, smiling as she's pulled in the kitchen, Ella announcing, "We're making biscuits!"

"Christmas biscuits!" Joshua pipes in, climbing onto one of the two chairs that have been shoved up against the counter. Her hearts sink a little because she had forgotten- tomorrow is Christmas. _The happiest time of the year_. Briefly, she feels a bitterness toward time. She just gave up the hope of ever seeing her husband again and it's bloody _Christmas_.

She had wanted to have a few days to properly grieve before having to pretend that everything is fine, but it's Christmas so her act will have to start early- for the children. As Ella hops onto the other chair, River glances into the silver mixing bowl resting on the counter and finds it empty.

Repressing a smile, she arches a brow at both of them. "You were making invisible biscuits, then?"

Joshua smiles sheepishly, glancing up at her through the floppy fringe of his hair- so much like the Doctor that it almost hurts her to see it- and admits, "We didn't know what to do after the bowl."

Smiling, she bops him lightly on the nose. "Then I suppose we'll have to make them together, hmm?"

Joshua beams at her and Ella claps excitedly, "Mummy's biscuits are the best!"

"_You're _making the biscuits?" Asks Charlotte, poking her head around the door frame.

"Nope," corrects River as she takes Charlotte's hand and pulls her all the way into the kitchen, spinning her under her arm once and happiness filling her at the sound of the girl's tinkling giggle. "_We're_ making biscuits."

XxX

It's absolutely _ungodly_ hour in the morning when the children drag her from bed, babbling excitedly about presents as they drag her down the stairs. The four of them sit in a circle in front of the shining tree and open presents, the joy in the children's faces as they unwrap each one filling her chest with warmth. She is surprised when, after she thinks all of the gifts have been unwrapped, Charlotte produces one more from behind her back and shoves it into her hands.

All three look at her expectantly as she opens the small box to reveal a wooden star, painted with several colors, covered in too much glitter and the names _Joshua, Charlotte _and _Ella_ scrawled across the back in marker.

It's perfect.

"It's a Christmas wishing star," says Ella. "You have to make a wish."

Holding the small star between her hands, River closes her eyes and wishes. It's not something that will ever come true, she knows, but isn't that the point of a wish? To give one hope when it is most needed? And today, she needs it.

When she opens her eyes again she finds them all beaming at her and she immediately pulls them all into a hug, pressing a kiss to each of their brows. "Best Christmas present ever."

"I knew you'd like it!" States Joshua and his sister gasps. "You did not! You said it was stupid!"

"I didn't! I said- I said that making it _pink_ would be stupid."

When there is a knock at the door, River leaves them to their bickering, chuckling lightly at she heads for the door, her wishing star still gripped tightly in her hand. She swings open the door expecting- well she doesn't know _who_ she was expecting, but she certainly was not prepared to see _him_.

Taking a few steps back in shock, she stares at him as he beams at her, tugging at the lapels of his purple coat. "Hi, honey."

Briefly, she glances down at her wishing star and concludes she must be going mad because this _cannot_ be real. But then he is gathering her in his arms and god, he feels real and he _smells_ real- like tea and jammy dodgers and mint, just like always. Tears well in her eyes as she runs her hands over the rough fabric of tweed. "You're really here?"

"Of course I am. What kind of rubbish husband would I be to not come home for Christmas?" His hands cup her face, thumbs sweeping out to catch her tears as he stares into her eyes, as if trying to silently convince her that he is really there and has no plans of leaving.

"How?" She whispers, her hands reaching up to take his, gripping his fingers as if she is afraid that he will disappear on the spot of she lets go.

"Regenerated," the Doctor states, " and Clara- clever, _clever_ Clara, found a way to put me here, with you. Exactly where I want to be." He kisses her then, lips pressed softly against hers and she immediately melts into him, every fibre of her being tingling with sudden happiness as she beings to accept that he is here with her- forever.

When they break, he grins at her. "Merry Christmas, River."

Ella pops her head around the corner, interrupting with, "Mummy can we have pancakes for breakfast?"

"Please?!" Asks Joshua as he slides around the corner in his footy pajamas, clinging to his new teddy bear and looking at her expectantly.

River hears the Doctor's breath catch and she looks at him to find him staring at the children, a smile slowly spreading up his face. When he looks at her for the answer he's already put together, she beams at him.

"Merry Christmas, sweetie."

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**Thanks for reading (:**


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